“What is a purpose? What is my purpose?” Those are two questions we have often hears, and even asked ourselves that question. Just a few words can hold a lot of weight, especially when trying to figure out the complexities of life. Usually we will go through life continually asking ourselves, and even others, that question or some form of it. I, like many others, started out young.

The first time I really remember struggling with finding my own purpose was when I was in the ninth grade. My life had taken a lot of turns. I was not sure about my faith, friendships, relationships with family members and significant others, or even my values anymore. Nothing was “black and white” but many different shades of grey.

Have you ever felt that way? Like nothing really made sense? Getting through the day was the toughest chore you had ever been assigned? What about feeling like you had no one to lean on? That was me. I mean do not get me wrong, but I still have my moments. That is all they are though, just moments instead of an entire year spent in such a messy state of mind.

“The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust. Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. The wind blows, and we are gone—as though we had never been here. But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear him. His salvation extends to the children’s children..” – Psalm 103:8-17

That verse says a lot about God. I cannot help but wonder if I have heard it before and not realized what it meant. During my ninth grade year I turned from God. I started reading books on Wicca, got on Google and look up various other beliefs. I even became friends with someone who was a pronounced Satanist that went to rituals and everything. I shiver at the thought now, but it is true. At the time I was angry at God. I felt like nothing was going my way; I would pray and nothing would happen, I would try to talk to my friends but no one wanted to listen, I kept getting into various arguments with my family that led them to not even want to see me. I spent hours in my room, and outside trying to figure things out. I decided I would do whatever the heck I wanted without any remorse. HUGE mistake, but I was young and naïve.

The farther I got away from God, the farther into depression I got. I went to a Christian school so I spent every day arguing with my Bible teacher that God did not exist, that the Bible contradicted itself, and that pastors were full of crap. I even got a few of my other friends to follow my lead and get themselves into a “spiritual black hole.” It was not until I convinced myself to commit suicide that I had “hit rock bottom.”

I locked myself in my room. My grandmother was in the kitchen, making dinner. I lit a few candles and stared at the wall across from, crying. No sound came out of my mouth. I just sat there with tears streaming down my face. I searched my brain for almost an hour trying to figure out what reasons I had to live. Honestly, I could not think of any. I had turned from everything and everyone I ever loved.

I grabbed a knife my father had bought me at an Army Surplus store. It was really cool; bent blade like a saber, intricate artwork on the sheath and handle, and a blood groove on the blade. I held it for a while before taking it out of its sheath. I took a deep breath and decided this had to be my end. I had no purpose, therefore no reason to stay alive. Really weird how fast things happened. It felt like slow motion but it was not. I held it in the air like I had seen on television and started the plunge.

Last second… “Stop. Your life is precious.”

I heard those words loud and clear, even over the intense beating of my heart as I was about to take my life. It was not like anything I heard before. It was a voice without human quality. Not frightening nor soothing. I put my softball arm to the test throwing the knife across my room. It was within an inch of my skin when I propelled it away from. I hid the knife from site later on, but at that moment I turned into my pillow and began screaming. I knew it was God pulling me from my delusions of being alone and into the reality that I am loved and that my life is precious. I still did not understand how that could be, but I knew I had to find out and trust that I did have one. I kept asking Him why He would want me alive.

Two weeks later I got my answer. I said earlier that I felt like my friends had turned their backs on me, which was true, but that did not mean that I would turn my backs on them. I wanted them to live and thrive, and always wished them the best no matter what. I tore me apart when someone I considered a best friend told me he just wanted to end his life and gave me his final farewell. God was on his side too, because my friend actually listened to me that day. I screamed at him through messages on Myspace, telling him that his life was precious too and that though he felt alone he was truly loved.

I realized at that moment that life was worth living. That our purposes are all different and change in value. I do not think that I have fulfilled my purpose by any means. I do not believe any of us have for that matter. My purpose was not just to save my best friend’s life, but to love those I am surrounded by. I help in any way I can, and that is my way of “giving back” and “contributing” to the blessing of life that God has so mercifully bestowed upon me. It does not mean that every person has to do that, though. Like I said, it changes to fit everyone. We are like fingerprints, every one of them unique and a beautiful rarity to identity.