The first time I really remember struggling with finding my own purpose was when I was in the ninth grade. My life had taken a lot of turns. I was not sure about my faith, friendships, relationships with family members and significant others, or even my values anymore. Nothing was “black and white” but many different shades of grey.

Have you ever felt that way? Like nothing really made sense? Getting through the day was the toughest chore you had ever been assigned? What about feeling like you had no one to lean on? That was me. I mean do not get me wrong, but I still have my moments. That is all they are though, just moments instead of an entire year spent in such a messy state of mind.

“The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust. Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. The wind blows, and we are gone—as though we had never been here. But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear him. His salvation extends to the children’s children..” – Psalm 103:8-17

That verse says a lot about God. I cannot help but wonder if I have heard it before and not realized what it meant. During my ninth grade year I turned from God. I started reading books on Wicca, got on Google and look up various other beliefs. I even became friends with someone who was a pronounced Satanist that went to rituals and everything. I shiver at the thought now, but it is true. At the time I was angry at God. I felt like nothing was going my way; I would pray and nothing would happen, I would try to talk to my friends but no one wanted to listen, I kept getting into various arguments with my family that led them to not even want to see me. I spent hours in my room, and outside trying to figure things out. I decided I would do whatever the heck I wanted without any remorse. HUGE mistake, but I was young and naïve.

The farther I got away from God, the farther into depression I got. I went to a Christian school so I spent every day arguing with my Bible teacher that God did not exist, that the Bible contradicted itself, and that pastors were full of crap. I even got a few of my other friends to follow my lead and get themselves into a “spiritual black hole.” It was not until I convinced myself to commit suicide that I had “hit rock bottom.”

I locked myself in my room. My grandmother was in the kitchen, making dinner. I lit a few candles and stared at the wall across from, crying. No sound came out of my mouth. I just sat there with tears streaming down my face. I searched my brain for almost an hour trying to figure out what reasons I had to live. Honestly, I could not think of any. I had turned from everything and everyone I ever loved.

I grabbed a knife my father had bought me at an Army Surplus store. It was really cool; bent blade like a saber, intricate artwork on the sheath and handle, and a blood groove on the blade. I held it for a while before taking it out of its sheath. I took a deep breath and decided this had to be my end. I had no purpose, therefore no reason to stay alive. Really weird how fast things happened. It felt like slow motion but it was not. I held it in the air like I had seen on television and started the plunge.

Last second… “Stop. Your life is precious.”

I heard those words loud and clear, even over the intense beating of my heart as I was about to take my life. It was not like anything I heard before. It was a voice without human quality. Not frightening nor soothing. I put my softball arm to the test throwing the knife across my room. It was within an inch of my skin when I propelled it away from. I hid the knife from site later on, but at that moment I turned into my pillow and began screaming. I knew it was God pulling me from my delusions of being alone and into the reality that I am loved and that my life is precious. I still did not understand how that could be, but I knew I had to find out and trust that I did have one. I kept asking Him why He would want me alive.

Two weeks later I got my answer. I said earlier that I felt like my friends had turned their backs on me, which was true, but that did not mean that I would turn my backs on them. I wanted them to live and thrive, and always wished them the best no matter what. I tore me apart when someone I considered a best friend told me he just wanted to end his life and gave me his final farewell. God was on his side too, because my friend actually listened to me that day. I screamed at him through messages on Myspace, telling him that his life was precious too and that though he felt alone he was truly loved.

I realized at that moment that life was worth living. That our purposes are all different and change in value. I do not think that I have fulfilled my purpose by any means. I do not believe any of us have for that matter. My purpose was not just to save my best friend’s life, but to love those I am surrounded by. I help in any way I can, and that is my way of “giving back” and “contributing” to the blessing of life that God has so mercifully bestowed upon me. It does not mean that every person has to do that, though. Like I said, it changes to fit everyone. We are like fingerprints, every one of them unique and a beautiful rarity to identity.

I was brought up in church, going to many different locations and hearing different “interpretations” of the Bible. It was interesting, but for the first few years I did not understand the true meaning. I generally just looked forward to services so I could see fellow classmates, eat cinnamon graham crackers and drink apple juice, all while playing games that have something to do with Jesus. It was such a fun time that I did not pay attention to the real meaning behind it; but that does not mean I did not pick up on it in my subconscious.

“And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. – Matthew 6:5-8

My grandmother use to pray with me before bed, every night. She would clasp my hands and lead the prayer, always asking me to say my part until I was old enough to lead it myself. For a long time I looked at it as more of a chore than anything. Anytime my grandmother was mad at me she would give a whole speech about it in our prayers. I felt like I had to re-live the fights from earlier; but it was usually a great experience that I still cherish.

Those prayers were not anything too serious or personal, however. It was “babbling” as the verse says above. Now, even if you are babbling God hears you; but He focuses on the true prayers in your heart. Not the ones that you say just for the sake of praying. My first true, real, however you want to put it, prayer happened when I was around six or seven years of age. My family use to go through little stints of drinking alcohol. Whenever they did drink the amount of alcohol would always increase until none of them could handle it anymore and they would stop until the next.

I hated it because I felt alone. I did not see how drinking was fun because all it did was make the house smell horrible, them sleep, laugh, and fight a lot, and I found myself wishing for the day to end. As a child you should be enjoying the daytime, playing and learning new things. Instead I listened to arguments and got yelled at when I begged for attention. Then one day my family locked themselves together in the same room and all I could hear was raised voices. I got incredibly scared that something bad would happen. I cannot really remember how long this stint had lasted but I knew it was a little too long for my liking. I was scared that someone was going to get hurt, aside from myself. Luckily no one ever took out their drunken anger on me, but they would on each other and I hated seeing it. I was taught to love my family and stick by them always. I did not really feel like it this time; but I did not want to say anything either. I knew they would get angry and probably ground me or something or just laugh it off which at the time was just as bad.

I remember standing outside. It was a really sunny day with just a few clouds in the distance. A cold breeze was blowing outside, but I wore shorts and a tank top anyway. I always loved that chill of the wind while the sun was shining, so I stayed outside. I looked up at the smoggy blue sky and started shouting in my mind. I wanted to cry, but a part of me would not allow that. Instead, I started to pray. But it was not just filler words or anything. I needed help and I realized the ONLY help I would get was from God. It was at that moment that I realized God was not just a part of my family’s culture or way of life. That He was not some superhero created by an author in a random basement or something like John the comic writer in that “Garfield” cartoon.

I did not really realize the significance of that moment until a little while later. At that moment all I was concerned about was crying out to God and making sure He heard my plea. I did not want my family to continue hurting our ties because of one of man’s inventions. I think it was few weeks later that things changed and I noticed my prayers being answered. I then realized what had happened and that I could rely on God to listen to me any time I needed Him. My prayers from that moment on were no longer a chore or something I had to do. They were therapeutic in a way. I could not explain them or the release they gave me; but I can tell you now that without that experience I probably would not have gotten far in my faith at all.

The first step with gaining knowledge in the Lord is by reading the Bible each day. You should have a quiet devotion time with the Lord for at least 20 minutes. Most people start with either the book of Genesis and read the entire bible. Read the bible out loud if you really want to have a impact on the enemy.

The second step with gaining knowledge in the Lord is by prayer and fasting. You should fast only if you feel that God is calling you to it and then it should not cause problems with your work and other areas in your life. If you fast be ready to feel hungry but know that you are growing and getting closer to the Lord. If you have medical problems you should clear it with your doctor before fasting. Praying is something that sounds easy but yet so many struggle with or don’t find the time to do it. All that you do is talk with God and give him your needs/wants/struggles. Talk as if someone was in the room with you because he is and he is listening to everything that you are saying. You can pray anytime that you want and for however long you want. Jesus is there waiting for you to do just that.

The third step with gaining knowledge in the Lord is by thanksgiving and praise. It can be very easy to get caught up in feeling sorry for yourself because you are struggling with money. There are others who complain about everything but yet do nothing and because of that you won’t see anything positive come from it. Give thanks to God even when you are going through a hard time. Praise him for your clothes that you have on, for the roof you are under, praise him even when you are going through a hard time. It is hard to do sometimes but know that he loves it when his people praise him.

Reading the bible, prayer and giving praise plus thanksgiving should be done on a daily basics. Now Satan will try and discourage you from doing it but that’s why you should make up your mind that you are going to do it and stick with it no matter what happens.

The very first thing that you should plan on doing every day is read the bible. Satan will try hard to come against you and make it so you are not reading the bible. Every time you sit down and start reading it the phone will ring or either someone will come over. That’s why you should reserve time each day, turn off the phone, and ask people to not bother you or either call them back when you are done. Now there are some that can do around one hour of bible study while others don’t have that much time and only do half an hour. The most important thing is you are reading the Bible and learning about it. This will be your weapon in hard times and in order to grow strong in the Lord and fight off evil you must memorize scripture and be able to say it loud and strong. There are many good books in the bible that you can start off with learning, such as Genesis but most start with reading the New Testament books like Matthew, Luke, John and acts because it can help give a better understanding to Christianity.

When you are reading the bible and just starting out it’s always a good idea to have someone there with you. Having a bible partner can help with many things and the two of you can grow in the Lord together. Reading scriptures outloud and praying together can help calm down the spirit and reduce stress. Jesus says in Matthew 18:20 that when two or three come together in his name, he will be there with them. This will make your bible study time even more powerful and effective.

We can find many prerogatives in bible where the Christ claims about his deity.

The first thing when we read through Mark (2:5) we can find, his claims regarding forgiving sins. The paralytic was lowered into the roof by their friends regardless of so many crowds who gathered there and their total faith was Jesus can make miracle and could heal him. Jesus did not react to that person physical condition or his need to heal him. He said “My son, your sins are forgiven” and he was healed.

The second thing, Jesus speaks about judging this entire world in versus of (Mathew 25:31). Jesus sits on his mighty throne and will separate the sheep from the goat. The people will be judged according to their sins and how well they have been serving and carrying the word of God. This is a power in which Jesus can alone exercise.

The third thing which reveals the clear sign of Jesus self understanding during the charge of condemnation filed over him. When reading through bible of (John 19:7) chapter “he has made himself the son of God”. Matthew tells to the high priest to have said at the trial, “I adjure you by the living God; tell us, if you are the Christ, the Son of God” (Matthew 26:63). Jesus commented to this by, “You have said so. But I tell you, hereafter you will see the Son of man seated at the right hand of Power, and coming on the clouds of heaven.” (Matthew 26:64).

Michelle Jordat tells MyFoxNY.com her daughter, Mariah, cried when the teacher told her to put the Bible away.

The principal at Madison Park Elementary School in Old Bridge apologized and said the teacher made a mistake. The principal says school policy allows children to read the Bible or any other religious book during quiet time.

The school board addressed the issue for concerned parents on Tuesday night.